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0:00Susan, just say it once.0:01No.0:02Just one time.0:02No.0:03She's not going to do it.0:04Come on, just one fuck.0:05Nah, she doesn't want to go to hell.0:06Come on, Susan.0:07I can express myself without that kind of language.0:11Come on, we got a bet going.0:12Just one time.0:13What's the bet?0:14Oh, that Ted can get mom to swear.0:15Oh, wow.0:16So fucking adult.0:17Hey, we're at dinner.0:19Just say shit.0:20Shoot.0:21Just give us the finger.0:24There's your finger.0:25Say Polack.0:26Ted, really?0:27It's not a race.0:28You can say it.0:29Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys.0:30Okay, just eat your supper, fellas.0:32She's not gonna swear, man. I win.0:34Ah, fuck.0:35Pay up.0:36All right.0:39Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this?0:41Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff.0:46I was so fucking hungry.0:47I was so hungry, too.0:49It's so weird.0:50You know what? This is like the perfect food for the perfect night.0:54Yeah, like who invented food? That guy rocks.0:57Well, if I knew you guys were gonna get so gussied up,0:59I would've made something fancy.1:01No!1:02Ma, this is perfect.1:04This is perfect steakums.1:05The perfect steakum.1:07It's right here.1:08Just, just feel it.1:10Ah.1:11I can feel your love in this, Ma.1:13I'm so happy you love it so much.1:16Jesus, you guys are acting like it's today's special illegal seafood.1:20It's fine.1:22I think it's delicious, Suze.1:24Can you guys believe that we're just, like, we're sitting here1:29and we're, like, having an experience1:31and experiencing reality all at once?1:34Hey, Susan, Susan, I just want to say,1:37you have found your haircut.1:40What, you think so?1:41Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.1:42You could ride this to 70 and you'd be fine.1:45Well, I just took a picture of Tipper Gore into the salon1:48and I said, now, I know it can't be like that,1:51but try to get it as close as you can, and so...1:54Well, uh...1:55A sip of gauze should bring in a picture of you.1:57Stop it.1:59This night.2:01Is there a fucking gas leak or something?2:05Everyone, Maddie and I have some news.2:10Oh, man, it finally happened.2:12Look, I'm sure this was a tough decision to make,2:14but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable.2:16You know what?2:17Not every marriage is meant to last forever,2:19and at a certain point,2:20you're just throwing good years after bad.2:21We're going out to dinner.2:22Hey that one of my favorite meals We gonna go out We gonna have a nice romantic evening tomorrow Just the two of us just because And we gonna have a lovely time That right My wife deserves a night out just for being her2:37We're gonna have a great meal, and it's gonna be terrific!2:40Jesus, take it easy.2:42What? I'm fucking happy. It's gonna be a great night.2:44You know, I wonder if years from now we'll find out2:46this was all just one big, long heart attack.2:49Hey, Maddie, a Jew, a Polak, and a black guy walk into a bar.2:53Oh my fucking god, really?2:55Hey, watch the language.2:56Hey, tell your stupid truck that. He's telling racist jokes.2:59I'm not racist. The punchline wasn't gonna be about the black guy.3:02It was gonna be about the Jew.3:03And to a lesser extent, about the Polack and a little bit about the black guy's penis.3:07See?3:08The point is, none of them knew how deep the water was.3:11Ow! Hey! This is assault! I'm being assaulted here!3:14So much for the non-violent left.3:16It's Christmas, Steve. Can't we just have a nice dinner together?3:20Yes, we can.3:21It's a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan.3:24Yeah, everything looks really great.3:26Thank you, girls. Thank you.3:27You want some of this?3:28Yes, please.3:29Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!3:30What? What? What?3:31It's Christmas Eve!3:32We gotta say grace!3:33Thank the Lord!3:34You're welcome.3:35Fine.3:36Dennis, would you like to do the honors?3:38Absolutely. Bow your heads.3:41Dear Lord, yes?3:42Thank you for this food, no problem,3:44and for these blessings, any time.3:46Make us thankful on it, and may we serve you mashed potatoes.3:49And what the fuck? You wanna say grace?3:50I'd feel like an asshole.3:51Amen. Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis.3:55Look at all these welfare queens.3:57See? That's the problem with this country.3:59Everybody expects everything handed to them on a silver platter.4:03Hey, guys. Um, can I talk to you about something?4:06You want a tuna sandwich?4:08No, I'm okay. Um...4:11It's about John. Uh...4:14I think he might be on the verge of...4:19Well, I think he's interested in becoming sexually active.4:23What do you mean?4:25Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that.4:30Have you guys ever talked to John about sex?4:33Of course not. He's only 16.4:35Talking about sex is rude.4:37So you're going to rely on a gym teacher and a horny teddy bear?4:42I mean, how do you expect him to learn what he needs to know?4:44When you get drafted, they show you a film.4:46Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, but it's really important.4:52Tony Randall was in it.4:53You absolutely right Blair You know what I gonna do I gonna clip an Ask Beth from the Globe and I slide it under his door Guys there nothing shameful about human sexuality5:05You've never been in a strip club when the lights come on.5:10And neither have I.5:11Matty, this isn't a joke, okay?5:13He needs to know this stuff.5:14Look! I'll talk to him when the time is right.5:17And I'm telling you, as somebody who knows him really well,5:20it's the right time, okay?5:22I think you're trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.5:24comfortable conversation, and honestly, that's selfish of you.5:27All I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here.5:29Jesus.5:30Your period coming in or something?5:33What?5:34Forget it.5:35Coming in?5:36Like it's my fucking adult teeth?5:38Forget I brought it up.5:39Fuck, it sounds like you need the talk, not him.5:42Do you have any idea how a period actually works?5:44I know enough.5:45No one's ever explained it to you, have they?5:47I tried once, but Maddie said it was too close to the holidays.5:50Oh, my God.5:51Aunt Suze, think about your son.5:54All right? Don't you want John to grow up to be a sexually healthy adult?5:58Blair! Language!6:00My parents never talked to me about sex.6:02I figured it all out on my own, and I'm doing just fine.6:07We'll talk to John.6:10Maddie, honey, that's your fourth beer.6:12Yeah, I had a shit day.6:13Yeah, four's like a Boston one. He's okay.6:16I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.6:18Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car.6:20What happened to the car, Dad?6:21Whole rear fender got smashed.6:23Well, how bad is it?6:24It's gonna be at least 400 bucks.6:26Who hid it?6:27I didn't see.6:28But I was parked outside the Hong Kong buffet, so...6:31Do the math.6:33I'm sorry. What?6:34I'm just saying.6:36Wow, that is such complete bullshit.6:39Hey, we're at dinner!6:40It's a bullshit stereotype!6:42Tell that to my car!6:43Swear to God, this whole household is so goddamn backward.6:47Ted has used two derogatory terms this afternoon,6:49and then there you go, topping it off with that ignorant comment.6:51I said midget. What was the other one?6:53Yeah, I don't know.6:54You're living in my house with my family, eating our food and drinking our milk.6:58Tough shit if you don't like it.6:59That's just, that's great.7:00I'm so glad you don't count me as a member of the family, Uncle Matty.7:03Maybe Polak?7:04No, couldn't be that. That one's fine.7:06Blair, you are absolutely a member of this family.7:10Matty, tell her you're sorry.7:12Of course he won't.7:13Because if he did, he'd be admitting I'm right, which would also be admitting he's a classic Boston racist.7:18I'm not a racist! My favorite movie is Rocky!7:22How the fuck does that make you not racist?7:24Apollo Creed is in the movie So So he a black guy who wins against a white guy Oh my god I mean it assuming you count Italians as whites which I mostly do Of course you know they weren white7:35up until the 1960s. They got a big bump after Korea. And it wasn't so much they got more white,7:41the Cubans got more black, but I was okay with that too. Isn't this the toast that got you kicked7:45out of Ronnie's wedding? Again, I was explaining why it was okay that he married an Italian. Jesus7:49Christ, you are literally proving my point. You are a raging fucking racist. Hey, we're at dinner.7:55Sarah and I are a couple.7:57Called it, Johnny.7:58Motherfucker.8:00I thought we were gonna do this on January 3rd.8:03Wait a minute.8:06The two of you?8:07Oh, my God.8:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.8:10Hey, what the fuck is this?8:12What are you gonna do about it?8:13You're gay?8:14Fluid.8:15What the hell does that mean?8:16It means that I'm attracted to personalities,8:19regardless of their gender.8:20Oh, Jesus Christ.8:22You're attracted to personalities and you picked her?8:25Hey!8:25Oh, fuck you. You've met six people.8:27It's that college.8:28It's that college!8:30It's that...8:30Susan, what am I always saying?8:32College turns people gay.8:33College turns people gay.8:34Absolutely right.8:36Out there on the lawn every weekend, tossing the frisbee around.8:40How the fuck is frisbee gay?8:42It's a sport where nobody wins.8:43It's only about the fun.8:45So what?8:46And what's this?8:47What's this?8:47Doing this all the time, huh?8:49That's not a man's sport.8:50Yeah, you might as well be on a balcony waving goodbye to your lover.8:53Making those clap catches like your front row at Elton John.8:56Oh, the clap catch.8:58You have clap catching your wham-o frisbee.9:00You know why it's called wham-o?9:01You turn around, you bend over to pick up your frisbee and wham-o!9:04Oh, you know what? You wish you were a frisbee, you little shit.9:07It's going really good, Blair. We had a great time on our first date.9:10Even the hospital was fun.9:11Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure.9:13I mean, unless, you know, the timing's off.9:16What do you mean?9:17Well, I mean, you know, if she's got to make a period.9:21What?9:21You know, if it's that time of the week.9:24Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period?9:27Well, like, you can't have sex then, right?9:28Like, I heard that if you have sex while a girl's doing a period,9:32then you could go back in time.9:35I think I just went back in time.9:37Does any male in this house actually even fucking know how it works?9:44Well, do you?9:45I do not.9:46Actually have no idea.9:47Yeah.9:48Actually was always kind of curious.9:50There's like a little tube, right?9:52Yes. A tampon.9:54Oh, yeah, I know that word.9:55Is a crampon also something?9:57A crampon is used for rock climbing.9:59It's got nothing to do with10:00Oh. It's weird that it has the word cramp in there, though, yeah?10:03Two completely different things.10:05But you can see why I thought...10:06Okay, you want to make jokes? You want to fucking learn something.10:08I wasn't making a joke. I didn't know about the rock climbing. God!10:11How's it work? Give me your best guess.10:13You put the tampon inside.10:16Genius. Yes. How?10:18You swallow it.10:20You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina,10:23and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out.10:26And this happens all the time?10:28Once a month for just a few days.10:29Is it shorter and shorter?