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0:00and children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids.0:03Hey, dream bomb!0:05Uh-oh.0:06It's Jesus' birthday tomorrow, and you know when I'm gonna get him?0:10What?0:11My fist in your fucking face!0:13Why would Jesus want that?0:15Get him!0:16Get him!0:20But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits.0:24Little John Bennett.0:25That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends.0:30Hey guys, can I play?0:32Get out of here, Bennett!0:33Get lost, Bennett!0:34Get out of here, Bennett!0:35Yeah, Bennett, get lost!0:40John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own.0:46And he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would never let him go.0:55Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.1:00All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee.1:12And for little John Bennett, Christmas Day brought a very special new arrival.1:23Wow!1:25I guess Santa paid attention how good you were this year, huh?1:28Oh, Merry Christmas, John.1:31I love you.1:33He talks.1:36I'm gonna name you Teddy.1:40John became instantly attached to Teddy.1:44There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets.1:53I love you.1:55I love you too, Teddy.1:58You know, I wish you could really talk to me,2:02because then you could be best friends forever and ever.2:07Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,2:11it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish.2:16Except an Apache helicopter.2:18An Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles.2:22It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry an absolute death machine Well as it turned out John picked the perfect knight to make a wish2:55The End3:13Teddy?3:18Teddy?3:19Teddy!3:24Teddy!3:33Hot me!3:35You're my best friend, John.3:37Did you... did you just talk?3:40Don't look so surprised.3:42You're the one who wished for it, aren't you?3:44Yeah.3:46I did wish for it.3:48Well, here I am.3:50You mean, we get to be best friends for real?3:53For real.3:55Forever and ever?3:56Sounds good to me.3:59John was just about the happiest boy in the world,4:02and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news.4:06Well, I think we've had a wonderful Christmas this year.4:10One of the best.4:11And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night.4:14My big, strong husband worked so hard all year.4:17I figured you deserved a little Christmas treat.4:20I'd call it more than a little treat.4:23I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me.4:26But that's how much I love you.4:28Seriously, though, that was an outstanding blowjob.4:31Mom, Dad, guess what? My teddy bear's alive!4:34Really? Well, isn't that exciting?4:37No, Mom, he's really alive. Look!4:40Merry Christmas, everybody!4:43Jesus H. Fuck!4:45Let's all be best friends!4:46Oh my God!4:47John, get away from that thing.4:48Get over here.4:49Right now.4:50But Dad...4:51Get over here!4:52Listen to your mother come here!4:53Helen, get my gun.4:54Dad no Is it a hugging gun Helen get my gun and call the police I sorry Mr Bennett I didn mean to scare anybody I just wanted John and I to be friends Yeah Dad I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive5:07and my wish came true.5:10Oh, my God.5:13It's a miracle.5:15It's a Christmas miracle.5:19You're just like the baby Jesus.5:20Well, it wasn't long before the story of John's little miracle was sweeping the nation.5:28Out of a Boston suburb comes what is without a doubt the most incredible story.5:33A young boy stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons.5:37Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!5:42まずは世界のニュースからです。アメリカからです。5:46人間のように大きなウサギのぬいぐりみが街にある。5:49What are you doing? You're a horse!5:51You're a bop!5:53Before long, Teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right.6:08You... you were... you surprised me.6:11I... for some reason I thought you were gonna be taller.6:14I thought you were gonna be funnier.6:19What are your favorite television shows?6:27Um, I like Gimme a Rake.6:29Dad, I want a teddy bear.6:31Hey, what did Daddy just get you for your birthday, huh?6:34A rake.6:35That's right. An excellent rake. A birthday rake.6:38So when you clean the yard, you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands.6:42But Dad, I want the bear on TV.6:44Donnie, shut up, will you? Daddy's making love to new Mommy.6:48But Daddy...6:49Go to your hammock.6:50You ever watch this show?6:52Yeah, when Leno gets those.6:59But through all the fame,7:01Teddy never forgot his very best friend, John.7:05The Thunder can't get us, right?7:08Nope.7:09We're Thunder buddies, and the Thunder knows it.7:12We're totally safe.7:16Yeah, John?7:16Do you promise we'll always be together?7:20I promise.7:24Thunder Buddies for life Thunder Buddies for life Thunder Buddies for life7:42A fool could see.7:43Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.8:01That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.8:03No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. It's not a Boston girl.8:05They're not that bad.8:06See, the fact that you have to say they're not that bad means that they are that bad.8:10Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?8:12Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.8:15Harder. Harder.8:16Oh, God, that was so good.8:18Now I'm gonna stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm.8:24Jesus, this is weak.8:26It's not even getting me high.8:28I can have a talk with my weed guy.8:30It's working for me.8:31I think it sucks. I'm gonna have a talk with him.8:33I don't know that you want to go to a drug deal or a complaint.8:35No, I know this guy a long time.8:37I've known him since 9-11.8:38You remember I was like, oh shit, 9-11, I gotta get high.8:41Is it 9-30?8:42Yeah.8:43Shit, I gotta get to work.8:44I don't know if I can drive.8:46It's okay, I'll drive you, I feel fine.9:08Fuck!9:12Ah, shit.9:13Oh, man.9:15Oh, Johnny, I'm sorry, man.9:16That car just came out of nowhere.9:18Oh, God, is it bad?9:21Oh, man.9:22John!9:24May I speak with you, please?9:26Shit.9:27It's all right. Go, go, go. I'll pull out of here.9:28Hi, Thomas. How are you?9:38Asshole!9:43That's my bad.9:45I was sending a tweet.9:48So bad, but so good.9:51Yes, they study in contrast.9:54Oh, I love this part right here.9:57He's for every one of us.10:00He'll spend for every one of us.10:02He'll save the world, he's saving the man and woman,10:05every child with a mighty flash.10:07Fuck yeah, Flash.10:08Oh my God.10:09Hey, by the way, don't let me forget,10:10you and I gotta nail down a plan for the Bruins game tomorrow night.10:13No, I can't. I'm taking Laurie to dinner.10:16For what?10:17Well, we've been dating four years tomorrow.10:19Oh, fuck me. Nice.10:21Let me ask you something.10:22You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?10:25What, like anal?10:26No, like a fucking circular goal thing on the finger.10:29Oh, fuck that. It's been four years, Johnny.10:32You and me have been together for 27 years.10:34Where's my ring? Huh? Where's my ring, asshole?10:37Where's my ring, motherfucker?10:38Stop it. Come on.10:39Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck. Come on.10:41All right, all right. Knock it off.10:43I'm just saying.10:44I mean, but do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?10:47No, no. I don't think she's... And not only that, it's the wrong time.10:50It's a terrible idea. I mean, you got the economy, you got the credit bubble,10:54the Supreme Court. I mean, look at Haiti.10:56Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that.10:58Yeah, well, that's, you know, that's a factor.11:01Who are you?11:02Flash Gordon, quarterback, New York Jets.11:06This is the American fantasy right here.11:08A professional NFL player is called upon to save the world.11:12Tom Brady could do that.11:13Tom Brady could do that.11:15Hey.11:16Hey, sweetie.11:17Hey, Laurie.11:18Hi.11:18Hi.11:20What do you got there?11:21Turkey burgers.11:22Oh, turkey burgers.11:23Are we having homosexuals over for dinner tonight?11:25No, just you, homos.11:27Whoa!11:29You kind of just reworded my joke, but...11:31How was work?11:33I was fine.11:35How's your dickhead boss?11:37Rex is fine. He only hit on me once today,11:39so it's a good thing.11:41Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?11:43Oh, a couple Charles Bukowskis?11:45Couple of Brustoyevskis?11:47Maybe a Mike Brugaslowski?11:49Perhaps a Teddy Bruski?11:51That's a good one. You know what? I think I too want a11:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't ruin it, no.11:57Bullshit, that totally works.11:59No, no.11:59Yeah, it does.12:00It doesn't work.12:01The name has to have a ski at the end of it, and you just put brewski at the end of Martina Navratilova, so.12:05Well, I just thought we were saying funny names.12:07No, no, it has to have a ski at the end of it, otherwise where's a challenge, you know?12:11If there's no ski at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.12:23Hey They found the missing hikers They did Yeah What happened They said they got separated and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock for like five days Oh12:35Yeah.12:36You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, I'd chew it off to get you free.12:42You would?12:43I sure would.12:44Is that cannibalism?12:46No, I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow.12:49Oh, yeah, no.12:50Don't worry about that, because I don't swallow.12:52Really?12:53Because that's not what I heard.12:54Well, it's not true, okay? I'm a fucking classy broad.12:57Yeah.12:59I can see that.13:01Listen, speaking of classy,13:03Chow Bell is a really expensive restaurant,13:05so we can go anywhere else tomorrow.13:08I really don't care as long as we're together.13:11Are you kidding me?13:12No, no, no. Four years we've been going out,13:14I'm taking you to the best place in town.13:16I've been crapping out room for it for two days.13:18I mean, I know exactly what I'm gonna order.13:20You're so disgusting.13:22And I love you.13:24I love you, too.13:24And you're nasty.13:26What?13:26You don't look at it, nasty.13:28Nasty.13:28You're a nasty girl.13:33Ah!13:34Fucking cocksucker, motherfucker!13:36I don't understand.13:38I really don't.13:38I'm 35 years old, and you're still scared of a little thunder.13:40I am not!13:44Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?13:46Fucking right.13:46All right, come on, let's sing the thunder song.13:48All right.13:48When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared.13:51Just grab your thunder buddy.13:54and say these magic words.13:56Fuck you, Thunder!13:57You can suck my dick.13:59You can't get me Thunder,14:00cause you're just God's fudge.14:02Psh!14:03Ah.14:06Hey, Laurie, can you set the alarm for 11 a.m.?14:08I got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.14:10You okay there, sweetheart?14:11Oh.14:12You look a little flustered.14:13I'm fine, I'm fine.14:14I just didn't have time for breakfast,14:16and the garage was full.14:17Oh, and that's right.14:17My boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm14:19without his teddy bear.14:20I don't understand why you keep putting up with him.14:23I mean, the guy's 35 and he's working for a rental car service.14:26No, you guys, it's not about that.14:28I don't care about that.14:29I mean, I'd love him if he was a janitor.14:31I mean, he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot.14:35It's just a bonus that he's like the hottest guy in Boston.14:38I don't know.14:39I just wish he would get his life together.14:40Our life.14:41And he can't.14:43And I swear to God, it is because of that bear.14:45You should give him an ultimatum.14:47It's you or the bear.14:48No, I can't do that.14:50That would devastate him.14:51Besides what if he chose Ted Well hello there Sorry if I interrupting any private girl talk about Channing Tatum index finger but Laurie I need to see you in my office Yeah the thing is Rex I have a lot of work I need to get to15:05Oh, this is work, I swear.15:07Great.15:10Good luck.15:14He's such an asshole. Out of control. He's such a sleaze.15:17100 bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo.15:21Check this out.15:23That's me on the high school diving team.15:26We dove the shit out of that pool that year.15:28Now, if you look close, you can see the outline of my route.15:32You promised me this was about work.15:34Lori, why don't you like me?15:36I'm rich, I'm good looking, my dad owns the company.15:38I have a boyfriend. I've told you this.15:40Yeah, the guy with the bear.15:42But I'm talking about a mature relationship, Lori.15:45I mean, if we were together, our babies would be spectacular.15:48I mean, with my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian jeans15:51and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky Baltic check?15:59Goodbye, Rex.16:01Okay, you're fired.16:02No, I'm not.16:21Oh, okay, that was perfect.16:32Would you like me to wrap your leftovers?16:33No, I'm good. Thank you.16:35Actually, could you wrap just this up for me?16:37I want to scare the shit out of somebody.16:38Sure.16:39What are you, like, five years old?16:41Yeah, but I read it at a six-year-old level, so...16:43Hmm.16:44Sir and madam, here is your dessert and champagne.16:51Ooh, Cristal.16:54It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.16:57And hey, all those rich black people can't be wrong, right?17:00Doesn't feel like four years, does it?17:05No, it doesn't.17:07You know, you had no business being out on that dance floor.17:10But I'm really happy that you were.17:13Shit, hang on a second.17:15My phone fell under the seat somewhere.17:17Can you call it?17:33Is that my ringtone17:35Oh, yeah.17:37What is it?17:38Because it sounds negative.17:39No, no, it's from the notebook.17:42Oh.17:44This is going to take some doing, I think.17:45I'll just meet you upstairs then?17:47Yeah, I'll be right there.17:57Laurie, hey, you're home early.17:59What the hell is this?18:01The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill.18:03Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister,18:06and it's just awful. It's unwatchable.18:08But, you know, they're hookers, so it's fine.18:10This place is a wreck. Who are these girls?18:13Oh, my God, where are my manners?18:15Laurie, this is Angelique, Heavenly,18:18Shireen, and Sauvignon Blanc.18:20I love you girls.18:21You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers18:24I wish I could thank for this great night.18:26What is that?18:27What is what?18:29There is a shit on my floor.18:34In the corner, there is a shit!18:36Oh, my god.18:37You know what?18:38That's probably what Deirdre was doing over there.18:40Remember, she was crouched over in the corner18:42for a really long time.18:42I thought she was just making a phone call or something.18:44There is a shit on my floor!18:46Yeah, yeah, she's passed out in the bathroom now.18:49She seemed like she was hopped up on something.18:51But mystery solved, I guess, right?18:53She was taking a shit.18:54What the fuck?18:55Ah!18:57Who lives here?18:58I'm coming to get whoever lives here.19:00You owe me lobster money.19:01That's my buddy Johnny.19:03Not the lobster, the guy running it.19:05I found my phone.19:07What's going on?19:10Is that a shit?19:23God, there are some fucked up fish out there.19:31Oh, look at that one. Waspy white guy fish.19:33I married the wrong woman, and now I lead a life of regret.19:38Oh, look at this guy.19:39I went to New York once in 1981, and I just did not feel safe.19:45Ted, you gotta move out.19:49You... what?19:51It's... it's gotta happen.19:53What did I do?19:57My relationship is out of everything20:00I look at stage, you know.20:02Laurie and I may just need a little space right now.20:05Plus, a hookah took a shit in our apartment.20:08Oh, God.20:09Ah, what?20:10Oh, this is so gross.20:11Don't tell me.20:11I don't want to hear about it.20:12Oh, my God.20:13No, I didn't get it.20:14Tell me when you get it.20:15Oh, my God.20:16I got some on my phone.20:17No.20:18Oh, yes, I did.20:19You can never cook with that hand again.20:20You have to learn to cook with that hand.20:22This is the most disgusting thing I've ever done.20:24Don't get away from me.20:26Look, that was a tough night for all of us.20:28Ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Laurie.20:31I mean, I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.20:36She's making you do it, isn't she?20:38Yes.20:39I mean, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out.20:41I mean, we'll hang out all the time.20:43Yeah, but what about Thunder Buddies for life, Johnny?20:46I know.20:46I just don't know what to do here.20:48I mean, I know it sucks, but otherwise I'm going to lose her.20:52And I do love her, Ted.20:54I know you do, Johnny.20:56I'll help you get on your feet out there, I promise.20:59I know. And we'll hang out all the time, right?21:01All the time.21:03All the time.21:03Bring it in. Come here. Bring it in, you bastard. Come on.21:07I love you.21:08Fuck. Shit. Sorry. That's the thing.21:12The old...21:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.21:12Yeah, I know.21:13I'm not gay.21:14I know.21:15And you're not gay, so we're fine.21:18We gotta get you a job.21:22I look stupid.21:23No, you don't. You look dapper.21:24I don't. I look like Snuggle's accountant.21:27Come on, it's not that bad.21:28John, I look like something you give your kid when you tell him Grandma died.21:31Look, I know it sucks, okay?21:33But you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment.21:35I don't want to work at a grocery store.21:38Yeah, but you have no skills.21:39I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.21:41As I said, you would need a law degree from a law school.21:44No, no, I'm a special case.21:46I'm a talking teddy bear, for Christ's sake.21:48They might make an exception, because they'd be all like,21:50oh, my God, this bear's so cool, he can talk and do stuff.21:52Let's give him a job.21:53Maybe he'll give us a few laughs around the office.21:54And then they're like, oh, my God, he can deliver.21:57He's actually quite a litigator.21:59And then they practically have to give me the Anderson case.22:02You get the job?22:03We're celebrating after, okay?22:05Uh-huh.22:05And if I don't get the job, are we still going to smoke that pot?22:09Probably, yes.22:10Uh-huh.22:10Okay.22:11All right.22:11Good talk, Coach.22:12Thanks.22:12All right, buddy.22:12Go get him.22:14Don't worry.22:14I'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave.22:19So you think you got what it takes?22:21I'll tell you what I got.22:22Your wife's pussy on my breath.22:26Nobody ever talked to me like that before That because everyone mouth is usually full of your wife box You hired22:36Shit.22:55Well, I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job.23:16This is how the cast at Different Strokes feels.23:19All day.23:20Every day.23:20It's awful.23:21They must feel awful.23:22The live ones must feel awful.23:23Come on.23:24It's not that bad, okay?23:25I got a shitty job, and I assure you, I'm quite content.23:27Excuse me.23:28I'm sorry to bother you, but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.23:34Oh, thank you.23:35Thanks.23:36Yeah, I'm Donnie.23:37This is Robert.23:38I have to say I've been following you ever since I was a young boy,23:42and I remember seeing you on the Carson show.23:46You were just wonderful.23:47Oh, yeah.23:48That was a weird interview.23:50Ed thought I was Alf, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.23:53Hey, um...23:54Thought Alf was Jewish for some reason.23:55Have you ever considered selling the bear?23:57What?23:58Excuse me?23:59I want it.24:00Hey, I'm not an it, pal. I'm a he, all right?24:02I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale.24:05See, I've had him since I was about your age.24:07He's very, very special to me.24:08Stand up straight when you're talking to me.24:11Why the fuck would he say that?24:13Sorry, you know, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.24:16Uh, look, we're very interested in the bear.24:18If you want to make some sort of arrangement,24:19here's my address and phone number.24:21and you can call me anytime, okay?24:24Will do.24:25Look, here it goes in the really important pocket24:26for really important stuff, okay?24:29Okay.24:30See you later.24:31Okay, come on, Robert.24:32Take it easy.24:33What the fuck?24:35Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?24:37I could totally see him just taking you out of the basement24:39and really slowly delimiting you all,24:40singing some creepy Victorian nursery rhyme.24:43Oh, my little six, that's my pretty little six.24:46Stop it.24:46That's my little six.24:47I love my six, that's my five.24:49Stop it, fuck.24:50Why you gotta take it to that place?24:51You just took it to a very...24:52Now it's real.24:53Now it's a real thing.24:54Come on take it easy All right look let just find a better place to get stoned25:12Well, I guess this is it, huh?25:14Yeah.25:15Yeah, I guess so.25:16First night on your own.25:18Yeah, first night in my beautiful new apartment.25:21Well, it'll be great when it's furnished.25:23Yeah, and the guy said it ain't hardly had no murders in it, so that's good.25:28Okay, so if you need anything...25:32Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Johnny. I'll be fine.25:36I know you won't.25:39All right.25:53Hey there.26:07Hey.26:08Hi.26:09Hi.26:12Listen, um, I just want to say thank you.26:16I know what you did with Ted wasn't easy, and I just want you to know that I love you26:22and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship.26:27Hey, anything for you?26:30I mean, this is all part of the new grown-up adult John Bennett,26:33so you better get used to him.26:35Really?26:37Well, no.26:40I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes, so...26:44Well, that's perfect.26:46Because I'm only gonna need one.26:48You know what my favorite thing about you is?26:54That even after four years, you can still surprise me.27:00I mean, to step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier.27:07I mean, I guess most guys wouldn't do that.27:11Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them.27:13I know I'm not a talking teddy bear, but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me.27:24How do you know I don know Oh is that a flash Gordon Ray gun Are you just happy to see me27:46There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.27:55Ah.28:01Hey, uh, hey, Ellen.28:03Yeah?28:04Who's that over there?28:07Well, that's the new checkout girl. Don't know her name. Seems cute.28:10Yeah, very cute. You know what I like to do to her?28:13Something I call a dirty fuzzy.28:25Okay, alright, so that's where we'll draw the line.28:55Hey, how you holding up?28:57Oh, I'm all right.28:59I'm just getting used to things, that's all.29:01It's gonna be all right.29:03I actually went through something like this29:05with my last boyfriend.29:07Really? Yeah.29:09We were together for eight months,29:11and I really loved him.29:13And then he got deported back to Iran, so...29:15I know what you're going through.29:17Oh, yeah.29:19So, I guess we both lost our furry little guy.29:23We sure did.29:25Hey, Ted.29:30Hey, Johnny, what are you doing?29:31You want to come over and catch a buzz?29:33Well, I could probably stop by after work.29:34Fuck that.29:35I traded off yesterday, so I got the other shift.29:37Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.29:39Just swing by for a bit.29:40I cannot just ditch work, man.29:42Look, I'm trying to get my shit together and be an adult here, you know, for Laurie's sake.29:45John, five minutes, and then I'll kick you out.29:46I promise.29:47Just come over.29:48I got the Cheers DVD box set, and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews.29:55You'll kick me out in five.29:56I will kick you out in five.29:57John, I have to kick you out.29:58I have so much fun to do.30:00There's so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to.30:02It is sick.30:03What do I tell Thomas?30:04Just tell him you don't feel well.30:06I gotta cut out for a bit.30:08Laurie tried to break up a dogfight,30:10and I guess you got hurt pretty bad.30:12Oh, my God.30:13Yeah, she's... I mean, that's the way she is.30:15She sees trouble and she wants to help out,30:17and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm30:19and wouldn't let go until a fireman showed up30:21and had to stick his finger in his ass.30:23Oh, Jesus.30:25Yeah, she's pretty shook up.30:27Up the dog's ass, right?30:28Yeah, up the dogs and not the fireman's ass.30:29I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.30:31No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.30:33Well, go, go, go. Take care of it. Let me know how she is.30:35Thank you. Go.30:38Hmm.30:41Was there cocaine on the set of Cheers?30:43Um, let me see what's the best way to answer that.30:45Um, are there naked dicks in gay porn?30:48Yeah. Yeah, there was a...30:52There was cocaine on the set.30:54But it was the 80s, man.30:55You know, I was... I was the king of the 80s.30:57I was Ted fucking dancing.31:00More importantly, I was Sam fucking Mayday Malone.31:03What was your other question?31:05Oh yeah, was I popular?31:08Are there naked dicks in gay porn?31:11Yeah.31:12Yeah, no, I was, I was beloved.31:15Oh.31:16You know, he's exactly who you want him to be.31:18He is, he is a man we can all model ourselves after.31:22Woody Harrelson, smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.31:26Oh!31:28See, that's why I watch these things.31:30That's like a cool behind-the-scenes thing that you wouldn't know.31:32Oh, hey, listen, try this.31:34I told my weed guy to step it up, and he gave me that.31:37What is it?31:38It's called mind rape. It's actually pretty mellow.31:41It doesn't sound very mellow.31:42Well, he only had three other batches.31:44Gorilla Panic, They're Coming, They're Coming,31:47and something called This Is Permanent.31:49Come on, spark it up.31:56There you go.31:58You got it.31:59Get back.32:01Nice.32:02Good, huh?32:03Good job.32:05Yeah.32:05Take pride in that.32:07You know, this place looks great.32:09Oh, thanks, man.32:09It's all IKEA.32:10Did the whole place for $47.32:12Nice.32:14How are the neighbors?32:16You know, there's an Asian family living next door, but they don't have a gong or nothing,32:19so it's not too bad.32:20That's lucky.32:21Yeah, it is.32:22How's work?32:23Sucks.32:25You Yeah you know not bad actually I met a girl She a cashier No way That awesome Yeah Well we should fucking double date or something You me and Laurie and what her name White trash name32:35Guess.32:36Mandy.32:37Nope.32:38Marilyn.32:39Nope.32:40Brittany.32:42Tiffany.32:44Candace.32:46Don't fuck with me on this.32:47I know this shit.32:48Do you see me fucking with you?32:49All right, speed round.32:50I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, fucking buzz it, okay?32:51You got me?32:53Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantel, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noelle, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shauna, Jolene, Erling, Claudine, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Collie, Chloe, Devin, Emeloo, fucking Becky?33:07Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it?33:10Yes.33:10Oh, I got you, motherfucker. I got you. Okay. Brady Lynn, Heather Lynn, Chandler.33:15Tammy Lynn.33:15Fuck!33:20What the hell?33:21Hey, man, you think you can open more than one register?33:23There's like a thousand people here.33:25There's supposed to be three registers open, for God's sakes.33:42Stick your finger in the loop of my tag.33:46You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker33:48on top of the produce that we sell to the public.33:51I fucked her with a parsnip last week,33:54and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.33:58That took guts.34:00We need guts.34:02I'm promoting you.34:04You got a lot of problems, don't you?34:18All right, Kareem!34:21Ah, you suck, Kareem.34:30Hello?34:35Huh.34:40Hey, Ted.34:42Oh, hey.34:44Hey there, fella.34:45How are you?34:46Are you out here all alone?34:48Uh, no, no, I'm not.34:51You know, you're never alone when you're with Christ.34:54So no I not alone Yeah Yeah me too You know Robert and I could give you a very very good home35:05Yeah, you know, I'm pretty happy where I am.35:08I just got a shitty new apartment.35:09I can offer you $6,000 in railroad bonds.35:12Uh, well, you know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War,35:16that actually sounds very appealing.35:18Oh, wait.35:19No, I'm sorry.35:19That was 150 years ago, and I don't give a shit.35:23Oh, God.35:25Teddy, come on. We're gonna be late for dinner with your friends.35:29Okay, I'll be there in a second, baby.35:31As you can see, my dance card is quite full, so I'm gonna have to decline.35:35Can I just get a hug?35:37Oh, uh, no.35:39No, no, no. And it kills me to have to tell you no, because I'm a people pleaser.35:44But, you know, thank you for creeping up my night, and Jesus be with you in Christ.35:51Who was that guy?35:52Oh, that was Sinead O'Connor. She don't look so good no more.36:02See, I was all pissed off because me and my friend Danielle was supposed to go skydiving last year,36:07but then she got pregnant from this asshole guy, and so we couldn't go, and I was all upset.36:12But then she had a miscarriage, and so we ended up getting to go skydiving,36:16and it was so scary, but it was, like, so much fun.36:19Hey, well, sounds like everything worked out then, huh?36:22I know. You know, it's like...36:24It's like God wanted me to go skydiving, you know?36:27Jesus.36:28Or Jesus. Him, too. Could be him.36:31Hey, how great is this?36:32On the four of us out to dinner,36:34how long have we been saying we were gonna...36:35Laurie, how are you doing?36:37I haven't talked to you in forever.36:38I'm good. I'm good.36:40The company's having their 20th anniversary party next week,36:43so that's something.36:45Laurie's the senior VP at a big, huge PR firm.36:47It's not that big of a deal.36:49Company's turning 20, so you can bang it,36:51but you can't get it drunk.36:53Right?36:54Yeah, she gets it.36:55She gets it.36:56She enjoys my humor.36:58Yeah, I mean, Rex is having a house party,37:00but I'm surprised John didn't tell you,37:02considering you two have seen each other37:04every single day since he moved out.37:06Well, you know, it's funny,37:07because whenever Johnny and I hang out,37:09the first item on our agenda is,37:11what's going on with Laurie?37:13So, you know, it's funny that that didn't come up.37:16That must have slipped through the cracks.37:17Yeah, we do.37:17We talk about you all the time.37:18Yeah, you remember the other day,37:19I was saying how great Laurie's hair always looks.37:22I mean oh my God it always looks so great I just always want to fucking brush it You know right Johnny I say that Oh really Yeah So Tammy Lynn why don you tell us a little bit about yourself37:35Like, where are you from?37:36I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.37:39What do you mean, girlfriends?37:41Was it, like, a lot of them or something?37:42No, no, that's not what she meant at all, right?37:45Laura, you didn't mean that.37:46No, no, no, no.37:47What I meant to say was Ted's very handsome,37:49so I'm always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up.37:53Did you just call me a whore?37:55What?37:56You just worry about your own snatch.37:57How about that, honey?37:58Whoa, whoa, whoa!37:59What the hell happened?38:00We're having a friendly meal here.38:01This was a nice evening.38:02Don't talk shit to me.38:04I just asked you a question.38:05You know, you're a freaking snob.38:07You think you're all cool38:07because you work at some fucking fancy shit place?38:10Whatever.38:10Okay, take it easy.38:10Nice, Laurie, real nice.38:12Me?38:13It's not my fault she can't speak English.38:14Oh, fuck you!38:15Just because you're on the business world and shit,38:17you think, what, everybody should, like,38:18suck your asshole or something?38:19Okay, all right.38:20Tammy, come on, honey, let's get out of here.38:22We'll go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry quicks.38:24You know what? Stick your fucking asshole right up your fucking ass.38:27How about that? You're lucky I'm in my fucking restaurant clothes, bitch,38:30because I kicked your fucking ass right now.38:32I gave birth once, bitch. I could kick your fucking ass.38:34And you better never show your face around Quincy.38:37Okay, okay, come on, come on.38:38I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?38:41What a cunt.38:42Ow! I hate that word!38:44What?38:45That word. It's so sharp. It's like an electric sword slashing everything in its path.38:48Why would you say that?38:49You didn't exactly stand up for me.38:51I'm trying to walk a line here.38:53I want to be fair to you and to him, you know?38:55Well, I think you're being a little more fair to him.38:56Oh, come on.38:57You know, your boss called this morning39:00asking me how my arm was.39:01Huh?39:03Yeah, because of that dog fight that I tried to break up.39:07Oh.39:08If I had to make a guess, I would say39:11that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work39:13to go to Ted's.39:14Now, am I right?39:17I made you out to be a hero.39:19You know what, John?39:20John, we asked Ted to move out so we can give ourselves a chance without it.39:23You're not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear.39:29You're right.39:31I've been getting stoned too much. I know that.39:33I've been bumming around with Ted too much. I know that too.39:37If you give me one more chance, I promise I can fix it.39:40John, I need a man, not a little boy with a teddy bear.39:44I know. Done. Man. Right here in front of you.39:47All right, look at these pecs. These are man pecs.39:49Look at the hair on my epilette.39:51That man hair.39:53I just farted.39:54That was a man fart.40:00Fine. Fine, John.40:04But this is, this is, I swear to God, your last chance.40:07Trust me, I love you.40:09All right, I love you.40:10I love you so much. You won't be sorry, I swear.40:14Did you really just fart?40:15Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand.40:18I wonder who's gonna hit first.40:24All right, here we go.40:25I'm really glad that you came.40:30Me too.40:31Yeah.40:32Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass?40:34I mean, that won't affect your workplace chemistry, will it?40:36Please play nice.40:38For you, I will.40:40Anything.40:43There she is.40:44I was worried you weren't coming.40:46Hey, you squirt.40:46How you doing?40:47Where's your bunny rabbit?40:49He's a bear.40:50Got it.40:51Oh, my God.40:52This house is fucking huge.40:53I know.40:54So try not to get lost.40:55Come on in.41:07Wow.41:08Here are the ladies.41:10Look at you guys.41:11You guys look amazing.41:12A little heavy on the eye makeup, but pretty good.41:15Yeah, thank you.41:17You guys know Laurie at gym, right?41:18John.41:19John.41:20Listen, why don't John and I go get a drink at the bar?41:24Uh, sure.41:26Great, we'll be right back.41:27Come on, buddy.41:29It's an old sweater, huh?41:31This house is unbelievable.41:34Haven't you been here before?41:36What do you mean?41:37You know, when you and Rex were...41:39Oh, no, that was at work.41:41You guys did it in the office?41:43Yeah.41:44Where?41:45In the men's room?41:46Oh, my God.41:48Why?41:48Where did you sleep with them?41:50Here.41:52Oh.41:52Sorry.41:55It was in the handicapped stalls, so it was nicer than the regular stalls.42:01This is Wade Boggs, autographed bat.42:04I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at auction.42:07Wow, cool.42:08Yeah, cool.42:10These boxing gloves were worn by Joe Lewis in his first fight.42:14This is art. Get it?42:18These were John Lennon's glasses.42:20They were worth like a million dollars.42:22That's me and Tom Skerritt.42:24Oh check this out It Lance Armstrong nut I had it freeze and bronzed Every now and then when my life getting me down and things are tough I just come42:37up here and I look at it. And it reminds me that things aren't so bad.42:46Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.42:52So, talk to me, Johnny Quest.42:54How are things with you and Laurie?42:56You know, things are great, actually.42:58Oh, that's great. That is great.43:01You know, Laurie would hate me for saying this,43:04but, you know, she told me how you are at the office.43:06And as one gentleman to another, I just want to say,43:08I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.43:11Oh, well, let me, uh,43:14I think I need to clear the air here a little.43:17I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun-time boss and whatnot,43:20But look, man, I do that with everybody at the office.43:23I'm a kook.43:24I have no designs on your girlfriend.43:26We work together, and that's it.43:28I mean, I think you're a great guy.43:30And she's a very lucky girl.43:34Well, that's good to hear.43:39Excuse me.43:40Hey, Ted.43:41Johnny, where are you?43:42You gotta get over here, man.43:44Why? What's going on?43:45Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment.43:47And John, Sam Jones is here.43:50What?43:51Sam Jones, Flash fucking Gordon, is here.43:54Holy shit, what?43:56You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones?43:58My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him?44:01Sam Jones!44:02Sam Jones is here, and John, his hair is parted down the middle.44:07Just like in the movie.44:09Yes, get over here, right now.44:11Fuck, I can't.44:13I'm a lawyer here, I'm already on probation.44:15I just...44:16I can't.44:18John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years.44:22He taught us right from wrong, good from evil,44:24and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition.44:28Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John.44:31Come share this with me.44:34I'm coming.44:36Rex, I gotta go.44:39Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes tops, okay?44:41Laurie cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.44:44If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.44:47I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.44:50Alright, this is one man to another.44:51I don really know you but I trusting you as a man This is serious Dude one man to another I got you on this Thank you I be back I gonna have sex with your girlfriend45:25Oh, Johnny, thank Christ you made it.45:48Dude, I got ten minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?45:50Okay, get ready.45:51Hey, Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.45:55I like it.46:25A man's courage, you know, nothing but a man, you can never fail.46:36I'm gone with the good of mine, I'm in the golden mail.46:55How you doing? Good to meet you.46:57I thank you for saving every one of us.47:00Oh, you're welcome.47:01He acknowledged it.47:03Let's do some shots.47:04With you?47:05Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, my God, yes.47:07Totally, yes.47:08Let's go.47:12Nice watch.47:14There you go, my friend.47:16Death to me.47:18Yes.47:21Oh, you know, you guys seem pretty cool.47:23That seemed pretty cool You like to party Uh Cocaine right Come on dudes Don tell me you never done it before Well not recently no I thought that was just for people in Florida47:36You better follow me. Come on.47:39Johnny, I'm frightened.47:49We are gonna party like the 80s.47:52Show us how, Flash.47:53It's easy.47:55We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.47:57God, Johnny, I got so much energy.47:59We better start doing stupid shit.48:01You and me, we come from different worlds.48:05You like to laugh at me when I look at other girls.48:10Look, Johnny, if we ever get serious about opening a restaurant, we gotta start planning it now.48:13Italian?48:14Italian, yes.48:15What's the special on Tuesdays?48:16Eggplant pan.48:16Chopped salad, half price.48:18And it's a non-restricted place.48:19Yeah. Wait, what do you mean?48:20Anybody can come.48:21Of course.48:21Jews are welcome.48:22Well, yeah, I mean, why wouldn't they be?48:23Exactly, that's what I'm saying.48:25Yeah, but why even bring that up?48:26You don't bring it up. You just let them in.48:27So why mention it?48:28No one will.48:28So why are we talking about it?48:30You're talking about it. I'm just saying let them in.48:31Yeah, let them in.48:32Exactly.48:32Right?48:33Good.48:33Okay.48:33And no Mexicans, though.48:35Sometimes you're crazy.48:37And you want to...48:37This is how everybody sang in the 90s.48:39I'm such a baby because the dolphins make me cry.48:43Nothing I can do.48:46I've been looking for a girl like a year.48:51No, see, trust me. I can do this.48:52Shut up.48:53Better try, man.48:54All right, fuck it.49:09Well, you never should have trusted me.49:12I'm on drugs.49:14Look at me here.49:15You got nothing left to share.49:18I'm going to parrot you here49:20until I get back where.49:22Hey, Shorty.49:23I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass.49:27Oh, come on. I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin.49:30I want hands.49:32You can do any 90s song with just vowels.49:34I want...49:35See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.49:50You were right.49:51If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.49:54You gonna do it?49:55I'm gonna punch through it.49:57Come on, Sam, do it!49:57Do it!49:58Come on!49:58Come on!49:59Ah!50:00Oh my god!50:01Oh my god!50:02Yes!50:03He did it!50:04Major Madara!50:05What the hell are you problem?50:06You break up my wall!50:07I break your wall!50:10Give me your wall!50:11Get it!50:12Come on, break his arm off!50:14Oh god, we're gonna die!50:15We're all gonna die!50:16Break it down!50:17Break it down!50:18Come on, get it!50:20You break up my wall!50:22This my home long time!50:23You break up my wall, you bastard man!50:25I'm sorry, it was an accident, okay?50:26I tried to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere!50:29Oh, chill out, kid. Look, can we just talk about this? What's your name? I'm John.50:32My name is Wan Ming.50:34Ming?50:35You pay many dollars for war! This bullshit! This all bullshit!50:40Death to Ming!50:59You're crazy, you're crazy man!51:18Come on James Franco!51:22You pay for war!51:25Move sucker!51:29Hey!51:59Hey, guy.52:00Yeah, what's going on?52:03This is Jared.52:04He's the guy who beat me up.52:05And we're in love.52:08Huh?52:09Turns out I'm gay or whatever.52:11I had no idea.52:14Hey, Jared, let's go grab another one of these.52:18How we doing, Ace?52:23You coming down?52:24Yeah I don feel so good I give it a couple hours You be golden pony boy You want a Xanax Oh shit Oh my God What52:35I gotta... I gotta go.52:45Hey, Johnny, there you are.52:47Man, I had to get some air.52:48That guy from your office is in there on the couch making out with that Van Wilder-looking guy.52:53You know what? Fuck you. I don't even want to talk to you.52:55What?52:56Do you know what just happened?52:58Do you have any clue?53:00My fucking life just ended.53:02What? Oh, come on.53:03She'll go home.53:04She'll watch Bridget Jones something asshole.53:06She'll have a good cry.53:07She'll be fine.53:08You'll talk to her tomorrow.53:09Come on upstairs.53:10Are you even listening to me?53:11Do you give any shred of a shit?53:13Of course I do, Johnny.53:15Thunder Buddies for life, remember?53:17Jesus.53:18You know, Laurie was right.53:20I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago.53:22I'm never gonna have a life with you around.53:24I'm 35 years old and I'm going nowhere.53:27All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy fucking bear.53:30Because of that, I just lost the love of my life.53:33Johnny, I'm sorry.53:36I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can't see you anymore.53:41John, wait. Listen.53:44I love you.54:24So, word through the grapevine is that you're newly solo.54:50Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.54:52I have tickets to Nora Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight and I would love it if you go with me You asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody Look I gonna cut the shit here Please55:06This is the first time that you've been single55:09in all the years you've worked here.55:11Just go out with me one time.55:14And if you're miserable and you hate it,55:16then I promise I will never even hint at this subject again.55:22Please.55:23Rex, I don't think it's smart.55:24I'm an asshole. I know that.55:27It worked for me in high school,55:28and it's been a reflex ever since.55:30Laurie, the worst that can happen55:32is that you go on a fun, casual date with a guy55:36who just wants a chance to prove55:38that he can be something more than a jerk.55:41Plus, you are a huge catch,55:43and it's about time someone treated you that way.55:48Fuck it. Fine.55:50Fine. Sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night,55:52and if that means getting you off my back,55:54Well, that's just a bonus.55:56I'll pick you up at eight.56:04Hey, Johnny.56:06It's me.56:07Go away.56:09Johnny, open the door, please.56:10I want to talk.56:21Jesus Christ!56:22What the fuck, man?56:23Sorry, look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right, but just listen to me for five seconds.56:28I saw Laurie leaving the apartment with Rex.56:31What?56:31I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her, maybe take some of the heat off you,56:34and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the hatch shell.56:38You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?56:40I mean, how stupid do you think I am?56:41If you think that by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her,56:45you're out of your fucking mind.56:46Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.56:48You know what? Get out of here.56:51You know what? You're acting like a cock, you know that?56:53What? I'm acting like a cock?56:55Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.56:59Huh?56:59Meat hole? That's not right, is it? No.57:02Pudding hole? Is that what they say?57:04No, it can't be that either, right?57:05Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?57:08Right? The Pink Floyd thing.57:11Look, the point is, you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself.57:15Laurie was right about you.57:17You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.57:20Oh, and you can?57:21I don't have to. I'm a fucking teddy bear.57:24You know something I didn tie you up and drag you to that party All right I wanted you to come because you supposedly my best friend You can stand there and tell me you haven always seen Laurie as a threat to our friendship It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 a doesn it57:38Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind?57:42That's your choice, John.57:44And by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.57:49You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old.57:53I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Rocks pin.57:56Say that one more time.57:58Teddy Rocks fucking pin!58:23Fuck, man!58:37Oh, shit.59:23Why are you crying?59:35My dick is pushed by the TV.59:47I'm so sorry, Johnny.59:50Oh, my man.59:52I love you.59:53Well, let me do.59:55Listen, you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lola.60:00There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.60:03No, John, we can get her back.60:07Look, you remember when you were ten,60:11and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun,60:13and then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying?60:17You remember? And then we ran up to it, and we tried to give it CPR,60:21and it came back to life?60:24John, we could do that again.60:26Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew it in his lungs trying to give it CPI. It died.60:32Come on. We're going to the hatch shell.60:56in your arms60:58So all I ask is for you61:03to come away with me tonight61:08Oh, come away with me61:18Thanks, we're gonna take a short break, but we'll be back in the future.61:33Hey, play chopsticks, you jazzy slut.61:39Teddy!61:40How are ya?61:41How you doing, you fuzzy little asshole?61:43Well, you know, I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.61:48Well, half-Indian, but thanks.61:50Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9-11. Hey, listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right?61:53John Bennett, Nora Jones.61:55Hi. Hi. Nora Jones.61:57Hey. Hey there. Sweaty.61:59Oh, sorry.62:00Um, you ready to bring down the house?62:02Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity, Miss... Ma'am Jones. I... I... Thank you.62:07Jesus, you look fantastic.62:09Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.62:12I know, right? Me and Nora met back in 2002 at this event for this charity that we were both involved with,62:17this wonderful charity, actually, for kids who've been fucked by a family member,62:21and we ended up hooking up in the back room.62:23Actually you weren so bad for a guy with no penis Yeah you know I written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that Thank you So I gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage62:35He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much.62:39Please give a big hand to John Bennett.62:43Oh my god.62:48Holy shit.62:50I gotta fuck her again.62:57Hi, my name is John Bennett, and this is for Laurie Collins,63:03because I love you.63:06The song always reminds me of the most important night in my life,63:11the night we met.63:13This is the theme song from the movie Haunt to Pussy.63:20All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two.63:29Had no intention to do the things we done.63:35Still better than Katy Perry.63:40Funny how it always goes with love when you don't look, you find.63:47But then we're two of a kind63:52We move as one63:56We're an all-time high64:00You suck! Get off the stage!64:02Oh, come on, give him a chance!64:03Come on before64:04Doing so much more64:08You're an asshole!64:11Be falling64:12Oh Jesus.64:19Someone call an ambulance!64:36Down here.64:38Not looking up your towel.64:39Swear to God.64:40Not looking up your towel.64:41not looking at your funny business. Ted, what are you doing here? I need to talk to you. Listen,64:47if you're here to fight John's battles for him, it's not. Look, just let me talk first,64:50all right And then you can say whatever you want Look John loves you very much more than anything in the world and he fallen to fucking pieces without you65:06You know, he knows he screwed up huge, but you've got to believe me, it wasn't all his fault.65:11I told him to bail on you that night at Rex's, and he said no.65:15He said no, he was going to stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Laurie.65:19So if you just give him one more chance,65:22I promise I will leave and I'll never come back.65:26All right? He'll be all yours.65:28Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that.65:33This is between John and me, and I don't think it can be fixed.65:37Yeah, because of me.65:39Look, look, Laurie, you want him to be a man.65:42All right? But as long as he's got his teddy bear,65:44he's always going to be a boy.65:45he's waiting down at charlie's right now so if you go down there and just talk to him65:54i'll be gone when you get back forever and you'll see he'll never be scared of thunder again66:15I don't know.66:45Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.66:52My God, America is imploding.67:04Hi, Ted.67:06Fuck.67:15Laurie, what?67:23Hey.67:24What are you doing here You can think Ted Should uh should I sit Yeah67:36I mean, if you want.67:37OK.67:40So, works good?67:41Everything good there?67:42Yeah.67:43Yeah, yeah, works good.67:46I guess we can't make small talk all day, huh?67:50If it's OK with you, I just want to say what I want to say.67:53OK.67:55And look, I could sit here and tell you I'm sorry.67:57It was a huge misunderstanding and I'm ready to change,67:59but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap.68:03I'm not gonna try to get you to take me back.68:06I mean, why would you?68:07I've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years.68:09I don't deserve you.68:11Look, I know I didn't take our relationship seriously,68:13but, Laurie, I do love you more than life itself.68:19All I want is, I just want to end on good terms.68:23I owe that to you.68:24I want you to be happy. You deserve that.68:27And I just hope, you know, that maybe we can still be friends.68:33Thank you for being so honest.68:38That's pretty much it.68:43Thanks for coming by.68:53Wall.69:06Yeah.69:08As you can see, you've been a part of our family for quite some time.69:14Welcome home.69:15Yeah, it's kind of funny, actually.69:17I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.69:20Is he all mine, Daddy?69:21Yes, he is, my little winner.69:24Yes, he is.69:26Ted, you've arrived at a lucky time.69:28It's almost Robert's play hour.69:30Yeah, I'm guessing you guys don't have a PS3.69:32I'm guessing you're more of a wooden horse with a wig kind of family.69:37No, yeah, no.69:49Yeah, see?69:49There's that guy.69:51Now Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?69:53You do as he says.69:54You think you're just gonna get away with a kidnapping?69:57It's a nice fucking example, you said.69:58LANGUAGE!70:00Sorry, sorry.70:04That... yeah.70:06You know, Ted, when I was a little boy,70:11I saw you on television,70:13and I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen. Ever.70:19And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too, and he said no.70:25Can you just email me the rest of this story?70:28And I was so heartbroken70:30And I promised myself that if I ever had a son I would never ever ever70:38Say no to him70:41Ever70:42You know, maybe no to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt me and Ted are gonna be best friends daddy70:48Yes, you are my little chipmunk70:54Happy playtime70:58Jesus fucking Christ.71:00I said a bad word one time.71:03Daddy punished me for it.71:05That's a great story. I felt like I was there.71:07Daddy gave me an ouch.71:09Now I have to give you an ouch.71:16Alright, kid, you win. We'll do it your way.71:19What do you want to do? You want to play a game?71:21It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.71:23Yeah, I want to play a game.71:25Good, good. Uh, alright, let's see. How about we play a little game of hide and seek?71:29I love hide and seek. I'll hide.71:31Well, now, hang on a sec there. Your dad likes you to show good manners, right, Tubby McFabfuck?71:37Okay, you hide first.71:39Great, fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?71:44Okay.71:45Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?71:49Yeah, no, that's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.71:54One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.72:05OK, no peeking now or you'll get kid cancer.72:08Eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.72:24Children the end That what they say when we together And watch the new play They don understand72:36And so we're running just as fast as we can72:40Holding on to one another's end72:43And then72:45And then you say72:52I think we're alone now72:54Ah!73:24Hey.73:36Hey.73:38You're walking home alone, huh?73:40Yeah.73:42Do you need a lift?73:44Oh, I'm okay.73:45I mean, if I get raped, it'll be my fault for what I'm wearing.73:49Listen, John.73:52There's something that I need to say to you two.74:12John, I hope that...74:14I don't want you to think that...74:19Sorry.74:21I want us to keep talking74:23because I think that maybe...74:26Look, whoever this is, it's not a good time.74:29John, it's me. Can you hear me?74:30Ted? Listen, I gotta call you back.74:33No, no, John, John, don't hang up. I'm in trouble.74:35What do you mean? What kind of trouble?74:36They got me. That freaky guy from the park74:39and that kid who I think is his son but may also be his lover.74:41I don't know.74:42Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Where are you?74:43Ah, I'm not sure. It's, um...74:46Hello? Hello, John?74:51Hello?74:51Hello?74:52You not a very polite guest are you Shit Ted hello Ted What the matter Is he okay I don know Well where is he I don know He just said he was in trouble Can you call him back75:06No, it's blocked.75:08Wait a second.75:14Go.75:15Take Columbus to heroin.75:16Get on the expressway.75:20You put us in quite a pickle here.75:22We have to go now.75:24Yeah, good idea.75:26OHHHHHH!75:28You epic a-hole!75:44AHHHHH!75:54We tried to make do with other teddy bears, but none of them were you, Ted.76:06Hello, 911? I need the police right away. This guy took my teddy bear.76:15Let me out of here, you crazy bastard. Let me...76:19Oh, oh, I hear the fat kid running. I hear the fat kid running. I bet it's hilarious.76:22Now let me out of here! I am a citizen of the United States of America and I have right to...76:29Robert, seatbelt.76:31It should be right here somewhere.76:38Johnny!76:39Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop, stop! That's them, that's them! Turn them out!76:48Stay with them.76:52Hang on!77:17Back off, Susan Boyle!77:22Oh my God he going to jump Get closer All Alright easy Come on Ted77:37Shit!77:38Hey, Johnny, total TJ Hooker, right?77:40Yes, fucking A, right!77:45Oh, shit!77:51Go, go, go!77:55Daddy!78:06Let's see how well you know these streets.78:12Where is he?78:25Jesus.78:47There he is, pull over!78:55Where?79:25No! You can't have my teddy bear!79:37Holy shit.79:39Sorry. Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid. Come on.79:48Ted!79:55Oh my God.80:00Oh, shit.80:02Oh, wait.80:28Jesus! Stay here!80:30No, no, no, Charles!80:31You're mine, Ted!80:44Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.80:47But I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.80:53I think we're very far apart on this.81:01Ted!81:14Johnny!81:31I'm sorry.82:01Oh, my God.82:03Ted!82:09Go on.82:11Laurie, get the stuff and get it all.82:17What that Germany You gonna be okay buddy You understand You gonna be fine Jesus I look like the robot from Aliens82:27No. No, look at me, buddy.82:29I promise, you're gonna be okay.82:31I don't think so.82:34I'm, uh...82:36I'm in trouble.82:38I need...82:40I need to tell you something.82:42What is it?82:44Don't... don't ever lose her again.82:49She's the most important...82:53most important part of your life.82:57Even... even more than me.83:02She's your Thunder Buddy now.83:05She's...83:14I'm sorry.83:44I got it!84:03Mimi, I don't know if this is gonna work.84:05Please, just try.84:14Come on, buddy.84:44Thank you I so sorry85:07You did everything you could.85:11I'm so sorry.86:37The End Thank you I sorry87:31I'm alive, Johnny!87:35Oh, my God!87:36I'm alive!87:37Your magic always worked!87:39You're back!87:40I...87:41Yeah, I mean, you know, when you showed me up, you put some of the stuff for me, and you87:43put some of the stuff in the back of my head, and I'm alive!87:46I'm alive!87:50Your magic always worked!87:53You're back!87:54I...87:55Yeah, I mean, you know, when you showed me up,87:57you put some of the suffering in the wrong places,87:59so I'm a little fucked up.88:01But will you take care of me forever and ever?88:06I'm just kidding you.88:08I thought it'd be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.88:10You asshole!88:12Come here, you bastard!88:17Welcome back, Ted.88:21That was you.88:23You did it.88:24Son of a bitch. You wished for my life back.88:29No. No, no. I wished for my life back.88:46I love you.88:47I love you, too.88:48I want you to know that88:52After last night, I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again88:56I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to stop88:59Laurie89:01Will you marry me?89:06All I ever wanted was you jumping in89:09And so, John, Laurie and Ted lived happily ever after, having discovered at last that89:21all they really needed was each other.